Jeff Baker

What a night!
08-27-07 | 13:15

I am out of town right now and haven't updated the map on my site, but I wanted to blog a little about my night.
I got in to my hotel and had the entire night to be with myself, which is slightly unusual, but pleasent. It has been a while since I have had or made the time to hang out with me.
My dreams were mostly about war. War. I dreamt not about physically fighting in a war but my every day common wars with my self, my ego, thoughts etc. They were all too real and very tangible.
I have a long way to go! I am a total work in progress, happening, growing, changing, observing and listening. All of that, I am extremely grateful for, and at the same time experiencing the growing pains of the witness that is so aware in the "dream" state.
I feel humbled and alone this morning, and that is not to say that I am sad, because I actually feel peace. There are so many lessons right now in life and they are all speaking their way into my heart, and yet I don't feel overwhelmed even though they are hard lessons. I feel grateful to have them all on my plate to deal with, to see, to experience, to let go of, to allow them to bring me into the present. I didn't wake up sweating or fighting, I woke up, eyes opened to the ceiling, reflecting on what I am going through. I didn't feel judgement or resentful. I felt aware that there is so much I don't know, and so much mystery. I felt grateful for the mystery, blessed to be forced to have to experience the pain of war, the spiritual war, and ready to allow myself to exist without doing anything to solve any single equation.
My mind's eyes is on the equation, but not in it. My heart is hurting for the war, but not as if it were not my hearts choice. My soul is aching to be more attune to helping in the war, wether it is within me or with others that I help, but not charged to strap on any amunition and blast out the door guns blazing.
I am grateful to God that I know I will see, and not on my time. I am grateful for the war that wages on and on and on, for I feel it is bringing me closer to my true being.
So I will suffer. I will be filled with joy. I will long for answers that I won't recieve. I will be grateful for the not-knowing. I will try, and let go, and try again, and let go again. I will sit, wait, watch, experience and live the way the path is shown to me. I will love with everything within me. Silence and conflict will exist in all the many facets of this being I call Jeff. And lastly, I will share.
Love to all,
Jeffrey Baker